As I sit here and reflect on my life over the holiday season it is pretty clear to me that I have lived a charmed life. This idea probably seems strange to some considering I have done 3 combat tours. It feels like I have lived in a bubble. I was in some situations where I could have died and several where I should have. It seems like bad things come near me just enough to make me appeciate what I have. God's way of reminding me that it is good to be alive.
As I sat in the desert on guard, this time of my life was what allowed me to make it through mentally. It seems wrong not to enjoy it to the fullest.
Hallelujah hollaback
adam
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
things i love about winter
So i was finally finished with school and on my way back to litchfield. I looked out my window and saw a fresh blanket of snow. Many people see the inherent beauty in this virginal covering. I then proceeded to spend the next 50 minutes of my life driving on the worst interstate ever (I72 obv) where at some places the snow plow guy must have given up on llife. If you are a city on I72 from Champaign to Sangamon county you suck at clearing snow specifically, and life in general. If you live in Illinois you should be aware of the basics of driving in snow. If there's one lane plowed, passing me on the right through half an inch of snow so you can cut me off and tailgate the guy ahead of me, Darwin says you should not have lived long enough to get a driver's license. jack ass. If you lived in Flordia or something it's understandable. Hint: drive slower and don't be an idiot.
I also hate knowing that I will have to wear 4 layers of clothes for the next three months. I will walk in wherever I go and immediately be hot and then i have to find someplace to put my coat. It sucks.
That leads to the topic of snow as an outdoor activity. wtf am i suppossed to do with 2 inches of snow on the plain? colorado. ok. You have mountains and can ski and stuff. South central illinois not so much. I am not going to build a snow fort when it's 22 degrees and with the wind chill it is below zero. Stupid. I also hate having wet and/ or cold feet for 3 months. There's a reason humans invented central heating. Being cold sucks.
In the summer girls look much more attractive. Less clothes=more confidence. Yeah baby you look so hot in your furry boots and large parka that makes you completely formless. Let's go hike through the snow to get a cup of coffee. With a little luck we won't get hypothermia and have to cuddle naked to save our lives. God forbid.
Hey, David, guess what man. I got a job in Chicago. I hear the winters in Illinois are the most awesome thing ever! I can't wait to chip 2 inches of ice off of my car every morning to go on my commute that is going to take at least twice as long. Who wants to sleep when I can wake up early and defrost! It's like a dream come true.
I guess I have been somewhat unfair. There are a lot of awesome things going on in the winter.... in Florida.
I also hate knowing that I will have to wear 4 layers of clothes for the next three months. I will walk in wherever I go and immediately be hot and then i have to find someplace to put my coat. It sucks.
That leads to the topic of snow as an outdoor activity. wtf am i suppossed to do with 2 inches of snow on the plain? colorado. ok. You have mountains and can ski and stuff. South central illinois not so much. I am not going to build a snow fort when it's 22 degrees and with the wind chill it is below zero. Stupid. I also hate having wet and/ or cold feet for 3 months. There's a reason humans invented central heating. Being cold sucks.
In the summer girls look much more attractive. Less clothes=more confidence. Yeah baby you look so hot in your furry boots and large parka that makes you completely formless. Let's go hike through the snow to get a cup of coffee. With a little luck we won't get hypothermia and have to cuddle naked to save our lives. God forbid.
Hey, David, guess what man. I got a job in Chicago. I hear the winters in Illinois are the most awesome thing ever! I can't wait to chip 2 inches of ice off of my car every morning to go on my commute that is going to take at least twice as long. Who wants to sleep when I can wake up early and defrost! It's like a dream come true.
I guess I have been somewhat unfair. There are a lot of awesome things going on in the winter.... in Florida.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
war
Tim O'Brien knows. He was there. I do not think that civilians know. I do not think soldiers who sat in offices and did not pound the pavement in Iraq have any clue what war is. I have tried to explain it in the past but no more. I cannot give the experiences that occur in a combat zone the justice that these events deserve. Generally they want a story that makes President Bush into a hand puppet of God, or Satan incarnate, depending on their political leanings. One side wants stories of how everything has gone to shit. The other side wants stories of Iraqis cheering as we wave the red, white, and blue up and down their streets. The experience of day to day life that soldiers deal with is what I want THEM to understand, but I cannot.
People usually do not want honesty in these matters. They do not want to hear how I kept the kids around me since I did not have any body armor below my waist. They do not want to hear about having grenades thrown at me that did not explode. They do not want to hear that thirty minutes later I was going on with my day. So I tell these stories with a smirk. With courage that only comes with distance. I do not tell them what I told my brand new soldiers before we left for Iraq. I do not tell them what I would have become if one of my soldiers was killed in a firefight.
Tim O'Brien writes about this in How to Tell A True War Story. At the end of one of his speaking events a nice older lady came up and tells him how she usually does not like war stories, but one of his had really touched her. She then smiles at him and tells him he needs to
move on with his life and find new stories to tell. O'Brien responds by changing the story around some to make her understand. But she does not. The problem is that for a soldier war is never in the past, the present, or the future. War just is. A person is shaped by many events both large and small in his or her lifetime. The events a combat soldier is shaped by are among the most traumatic and influential that a person can experience. When she told Mr. O'Brien to put it in the past, it was like telling him to cut off his leg. It is a part of him for the rest of his life, and it is unlikely that he would choose to live without those experiences. Much of his current life is defined by them.
The author makes a point about the elusive nature of truth. Many of his points are based on the idea that a person cannot understand something if he or she had a different perspective or set of experiences. I agree with his points when it comes to war and violent or traumatic events in general. These situations are unique. The adrenaline and primitive biological responses make these situations much harder to replicate than every day life. These responses are not something anyone is capable of explaining to a person who has not been in these same situations.
Tim O'Brien has said everything better than I can. He gets the letters back home right. No one wants much honesty. “Mom, today I had a rocket propelled grenade hit the wall while I was sleeping at a small observation post. I could not find my glasses to run upstairs and check on my guys. My arm was asleep too. It was pretty hilarious.” “Mom, today I found three artillery shells strapped together. It was made to blow an up armored Humvee off the road. I was three feet away. It was three in the morning, so I guess Haji was not awake to detonate it. LOL”
I feel like my friends and family does not understand who I am because I cannot share my times overseas. Relationships are built around trust and shared memories. This important portion of my life that has shaped me is completely shielded from everyone. This is not an issue with most of my friends, but there are things I do and believe that can only begin to be understood through the looking glass of a combat soldier. I have tried to explain some of this, but it falls on deaf ears. People do not listen primarily because they do not want to listen. Things that make us uncomfortable must be avoided at all costs. This is America.
I find people in general are not into honesty. I was honest a few times in letters; they did not turn out well. Lying at the beginning of things is human nature and expected. Job interviews, first dates, and loan applications. It bothers me that this is the norm. I wish truth was not such a rare thing. Even attempting to be truthful is rare. Honesty would make the world a better, scarier place.
People usually do not want honesty in these matters. They do not want to hear how I kept the kids around me since I did not have any body armor below my waist. They do not want to hear about having grenades thrown at me that did not explode. They do not want to hear that thirty minutes later I was going on with my day. So I tell these stories with a smirk. With courage that only comes with distance. I do not tell them what I told my brand new soldiers before we left for Iraq. I do not tell them what I would have become if one of my soldiers was killed in a firefight.
Tim O'Brien writes about this in How to Tell A True War Story. At the end of one of his speaking events a nice older lady came up and tells him how she usually does not like war stories, but one of his had really touched her. She then smiles at him and tells him he needs to
move on with his life and find new stories to tell. O'Brien responds by changing the story around some to make her understand. But she does not. The problem is that for a soldier war is never in the past, the present, or the future. War just is. A person is shaped by many events both large and small in his or her lifetime. The events a combat soldier is shaped by are among the most traumatic and influential that a person can experience. When she told Mr. O'Brien to put it in the past, it was like telling him to cut off his leg. It is a part of him for the rest of his life, and it is unlikely that he would choose to live without those experiences. Much of his current life is defined by them.
The author makes a point about the elusive nature of truth. Many of his points are based on the idea that a person cannot understand something if he or she had a different perspective or set of experiences. I agree with his points when it comes to war and violent or traumatic events in general. These situations are unique. The adrenaline and primitive biological responses make these situations much harder to replicate than every day life. These responses are not something anyone is capable of explaining to a person who has not been in these same situations.
Tim O'Brien has said everything better than I can. He gets the letters back home right. No one wants much honesty. “Mom, today I had a rocket propelled grenade hit the wall while I was sleeping at a small observation post. I could not find my glasses to run upstairs and check on my guys. My arm was asleep too. It was pretty hilarious.” “Mom, today I found three artillery shells strapped together. It was made to blow an up armored Humvee off the road. I was three feet away. It was three in the morning, so I guess Haji was not awake to detonate it. LOL”
I feel like my friends and family does not understand who I am because I cannot share my times overseas. Relationships are built around trust and shared memories. This important portion of my life that has shaped me is completely shielded from everyone. This is not an issue with most of my friends, but there are things I do and believe that can only begin to be understood through the looking glass of a combat soldier. I have tried to explain some of this, but it falls on deaf ears. People do not listen primarily because they do not want to listen. Things that make us uncomfortable must be avoided at all costs. This is America.
I find people in general are not into honesty. I was honest a few times in letters; they did not turn out well. Lying at the beginning of things is human nature and expected. Job interviews, first dates, and loan applications. It bothers me that this is the norm. I wish truth was not such a rare thing. Even attempting to be truthful is rare. Honesty would make the world a better, scarier place.
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